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DECK THE HOLIDAY'S: 08/14/10

Saturday, August 14, 2010

HAVE YOU GOT PROTECTION?????? FROM LURKING WEREWOLVES THAT IS!!!!!

WATCH OUT LADIES!!!!HE'S COMING TO GET YOU!!!!
   There are many hairy guys out there (even I have extra!) in the world.  Most of them are completely harmless, sort of.  However, every now and then, a werewolf might be on the prowl and these are the type of creatures you don't want to take home to mom and dad.  Man or woman, a werewolf will likely try to rip you up! You need to know what to do to protect yourself from the hairy beasties.  And I do not mean your big bro.

How to tell if the person you're with is a werewolf

   Just because a man is hairy does not mean he's a werewolf.  There are a number of things to look for to help you find if the man stalking you is a werewolf or not.  According to Warren Zevon song,  The Werewolves of London, a werewolf likes Chinese food, especially the beef lo mein.  They also love pina colada's (and getting caught in the rain).  The biggest trait that will stand out the most, is that a werewolf has perfect hair (especially for the ladies!!!).  They tend to mutilate little old ladies, too. (probably for their social security checks, because a good lookin' werewolf doesn't want to hold a job and work the graveyard shift because that's when all the action happens!)
   So if you're old and some hairy guy with a perfect mullet flirts with you and offers you some of his Chinese take-out on the bus, don't get off with him, tell him this isn't your stop and just keep on riding the bus. (wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, etc!!!)

Change the werewolf back to a man

   It is often said that you can't change the man only his clothes. (only to clean ones mind you!)  However, if the man is trying to rip you open, its not going to hurt to try.  Physical abuse is rampant and every woman or man should carry one important thing with them (I'm not talking about what's found in every mans wallet either) to always feels safe: Wolfsbane.
   Wolfsbane is a highly poisonous plant that will automatically change a werewolf back to his normal form.  However, the downside to wolfsbane is that it is very dangerous to grow.  The plant itself will cause rashes when touched, and if the sap gets into a cut, you are in trouble.  Swallowing just one small piece of it will kill you.  But, despite that, if you plant some outside your house you will not have to worry about a werewolf (or cats) stopping by to try and take a bite out of you.
   Remember, that even if you change the werewolf back to his normal form ( like a plumber, electrician or one of the guys from the computer geek squad) that does not mean he will stay that way.  When the next full moon comes up he'll be back at your door as a werewolf again (those no soliciting signs won't work either).

Time to get out grandma's good silver

   Sometimes it takes real extreme measures to protect  yourself and your loved ones.  When a werewolf just will not stop and you're in fear for your life, then it's time to pull out  the good silverware.

   Silver will kill a werewolf.  A silver bullet will put him out for the count if it hits him in the right spot.  Sometimes it pays off to wear the tons of jewelry you got from your last trip to Mexico.  Self-defense makes it perfectly legal for you to take him down!  So keep that in mind when a werewolf attacks and  you don't have any wolfsbane, because you forgot to water it.

Avoid the werewolf altogether

   If you remember to water and take care of the wolfsbane outside the front door, then you will probably not have to worry about a werewolf showing up with take-out and a comb.  Also, don't go outside during a full moon. ( unless you're going ice skating or out making snow angels in the snow).  Stay at home and put in the movie you got from Netflicks, or throw a party and invite the people from the Chinese take-out restaurant over to play charades.  When you go out clubbin, avoid hairy men ( especially the ones with the gold chains and rings).  Carry one of grandmas silver butter knives in your purse just in case to.  AAAAHHHOOO!!! WEREWOLVES OF LONDON!!!AAAAHHHOOOO!!!!!