Wednesday, March 9, 2011


   The Institute of Holiday Studies has released the top ten fears that people face during the Holidays.
  1. Parkaphobia- The fear that you will circle and circle the parking lot for ever, never actually making it into the mall.  You will run out of gas on the 100th time you circle and you will slowly starve to death in your car.
  2. Planeaphobia- The fear that someone in your family will actually expect you to pick them up at the airport, when you even offer to pay for their taxi, no matter know much it costs.  Similar to parkaphobia, you will be doomed to circling the airport for ever, while their plane is an hour late, they stop for a Latte' on the way to the baggage counter, then spend two hours looking for their lost bag, which will come in tomorrow, meaning you get to make another trip to the airport.
  3. Giftaphobia-You and your new boyfriend are exchanging gifts for the first time on Christmas.  You both promised to keep it simple.  But what does "simple" mean to your boyfriend.  Will he give you a diamond and all you give him is a CD of his favorite band.  Or will he give you a blender, severing the relationship for ever and forcing you to find a new date for New Years.
  4. Treeaphobia- You constantly check the needles on the tree hoping they're not too dry, knowing that your family is doomed and will die in a blazing inferno when the tree catches on fire.  A characteristic of Treeaphobics is they buy the tree the day before Christmas and dispose of it on Christmas afternoon.
  5. Turkeyaphobia- Every year you have to check the Internet to see how many minutes per pound you need to cook the turkey.  Lurking in the back of your mind is that the turkey will be undercooked and that you and your guests will all be writhing on the floor dying of salmonella poisoning.  You always make the dog taste the turkey first.
  6. Bargainaphobia- You search the ads, circle the best buys, show up at the store five hours before it opens, but in the back of your mind, is the fear that your sister-in-law has out bargained you again and when you proudly show the computer you got for $400 dollars, she will announce that she got the same computer off the Internet for $250.  A common characteristic of bargainophobia is resisting the urge to strangle you sister-in-law.
  7. Elfaphobia- The fear that your fiance' will turn into an elf after you marry him and you will be forced to live with him forever because of that darn "till death do us part" bit that the minister snuck into your wedding vows.
  8. Cancel phobia- The fear that all the football players catch the swine flu at the same time and all the Holiday Bowl games are cancelled forcing you to actually sit down and TALK to your relatives, including Uncle Joe who lives in a shack in Montana and has pictures of the Uni-bomber all over his walls!
  9. Roofaphobia- The fear that Santa Claus will actually land his sleigh on your house.  All twelve reindeer weight at least one ton and scientists have estimated that Santa's sleigh and payload weights over 300,000 pounds.  Not to mention Santa himself, who is no lightweight himself.  This weight will not only ruin your roof, but totally crush your whole house.
  10. Fruitcakeaphobia- You dream that you made a bet with your brother-in-law on who would win the football game and you lose, thus being forced to eat an entire fruitcake in 10 minutes, washed down with some moldy eggnog.